Tilly Screams

Mad Magazine Fold-Ins

2008-04-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

When Miss Tills is not reading the latest Glamour, Vogue, or some fashion rag, she is a big fan of Mad Magazine "fold-ins". Admit it - if you grew up in the 60s or 70s you thought they were funny as hell.

How there is a website where you can use vintage fold-ins online. Cool as shit right here.

Glamour Shots - Part One

2008-04-16T04:42:00.006-05:00

Miss Tilly has an unhealthy obsession with Glamour Shots photos. Remember those photo places in the mall where you'd drop Mom or Grandma's ass off for three hours while you worked the men's room, or what ever you do do at a mall?

Here are some faves - let your captions speak my children!

Victim #1 - Mrs. Natalie Attired
This seems to be a very common pose for Glamour Shots - grabbing the color as if to say, "Yeah, that's right bitch! I'm smokin with my leather Member's Only jacket."

Victim #2 - Mrs. Rhoda Lott
"Hey. Did you happen to see, the most beautiful girl in the world? And was she . ."
OMG! Where does one begin? It looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a chain.

Victim #3 - Miss Dinah Ponme
"Hey big boy! I've hidden a twinkie somewhere on my body. Wanna try and find it?"
Now I know why gold lame has gotten so expensive. Someone cornered the market.

Victim #4 - Miss Holly Goheavily
Someone got a Bedazzler for Christmas. And that pose! It says, "Waiter, I will have the Idaho Muscatel after all."

Victim #5 - Mrs. Rusty Hinges
Where do I start? The same awful "collar pose" but it has gone sassy with a black lace glove.

Victim #6 - Miss Vivian Von Brokenhymen
This seems to be the second most popular pose - the one hander. But is it just me being Evilena, but does she look like a tard? I mean not a stupid person but a mongoloid?

Victim #6 - Cuntalina Fucklebitch
That hair and those 80's earrings. Collar pose. You just know she beats her children.

Star of . . .

2008-04-16T04:35:00.002-05:00

this week's After School Special - Thirteen, Going On Tacky.

You Can Dance If You Want To . . .

2008-04-16T04:27:00.001-05:00

. . . you can leave your friends behind. And it looks like you did!

Pretty As A Picture . . .

2008-04-16T04:16:00.002-05:00

too beautiful for words!

WTF! I had to look closely to make sure they only had 5 fingers on each hand. And what's with the Laura Ingalls Wilder dresses?

More Proof of Amazon's Sex Toy Business

2008-04-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

As further proof that Amazon has decided to enter the sex toy market, they've even tried passing vibrators off as kids' toys. I give you Exhibit A:

The Nimbus 2000 Harry Potter Broomstick which was sold on Amazon until it was pulled off their site a few years back. I guess the kiddies figured out that it was long and hard and needed lots of D-sized batteries.

But look at some of the reviews posted by these daft mothers. I think they've spent too much time under the kitchen sink huffing Lysol while the kids are at school. I mean, only one of them caught on:

- I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one.

- When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too! I reccomend this for all children.

- My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :)

- This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

Amazon - In The Dildo Business?

2008-04-09T17:08:00.004-05:00

Who knew? Not I until I performed an innocent search for an item at Amazon the other day. And lookie what popped up:

WTF? And they now seem to be trying to edge out places like Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland for the mail order dildo market.

The best part is reading the reviews like this one from someone who didn't like the product:

I've always been unnaturally good at this and am an enthusiastic practitioner, so I can't conceive of not enjoying this or being good at it, but I can offer this advice: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE! Practice does make perfect. Oh, and SAFETY FIRST!!! I'm sure there's plenty in your kitchen that can do what this product claims to do. Maybe chocolate syrup, jam, honey, maple syrup...you get where I'm going here... I should have known not to mess with perfection...

Can't Hold It In No More!

2008-04-09T09:48:00.004-05:00

Oooooh I love me some Millie Jackson. She had, hands down, the nastiest album cover way back in the day. Plus one of my favorite songs is the "Fuck You Symphony." You haven't lived till you seen some big ass drag queen lip synch to it - usually after some bad ass group of hecklers has been working her last gay nerve.

Not that I would know. Listen and enjoy!

Who Dat?

2008-04-08T07:40:00.002-05:00

Mariah Carey hits the Burger King drive-thru on the way home from her wedding to Jay-Z.

Put Down The Fork!

2008-04-07T19:30:00.004-05:00

Well, while Miss Naomi Campbell was having a conniption fit over a lost piece of luggage at Heathrow's new Terminal 5 last week, this woman was sitting patiently while her luggage came down that chute.

Sweet fancy Moses! I think she's packed a week's worth of unmentionables in those polyester stretch pants! And you know, just like Naomi, this bitch is a risk taker - who else would sit on a metal folding chair with Kathleen Turner stuffed down one pant leg and Kyrstie Alley down the other?

Well, we all know Miss Naomi could've gotten all that stuff, and more, up her own luggage chute . . .

Here She Is . . . North America!

2008-02-20T20:19:00.001-06:00

Black Don't Crack

2008-02-13T07:20:00.001-06:00

but it sure do spread!

I'm A Tag Fag - 8 Random Thingies

2008-02-03T20:44:00.000-06:00

Well it seems that my friend from Canadia, Shirley Heezgay, has "tagged" me. Basically it is a blogger's way of saying, "Bitch, you betta work!" Well here goes:

In the 8 Random Things meme, you are supposed to post things/facts/habits about yourself. Any one who knows Miss Tilly, knows she is never at a loss for words when speaking about herself. Or others for that matter.

Rules? Usually I'm breakin' 'em more than followin' 'em but there are only these:

At least 1 thing must be childhood-related.
At least 1 thing must be vehicle-related.
At least 1 thing must be sex-related.
At least 1 thing must be clothing-related.

The other 4 things are wildcards - completely up to my imagination. I just need to figure out who is gonna get tagged next. Let's see, "Duck, duck, duck, . . . " one goose will be Patty Hose. If you don't know her go see her right now - I love the fact that she makes it a point to edumacate LGBT people on their history. And Stephen Rader because he is so adorable and he just loves this shit - and does it so well!

Box #1: What Child Is This?

Child, Tilly was a handful growin' up as you might imagine. I grew up in upstate New York where poor white trash were called "woodchucks." My family wasn't far removed from these freaks but my mama had class. That meant she took her Marlboro out of her mouth before she told the state trooper, "Kiss My Ass."

I didn't fit the mold and measure up like the rest of my relashuns. I was different, I knew it and hell, I figured the whole world should know it to. And boy did I ever have a mouth on me! My mother'd likeda die when I opened my mouth in public and said crazy shit - like the time I asked a nun in the grocery store if she could fly. I rolled like that.

Box #2: Wildcard - Big Girls Don't Cry

I am a big gurl and proud of it. Gals like Varla Jean Merman (A GODDESS!) and the late Divine are my mentors and muses. I've always like the big Glamazon bitches and the ballsier the better! But there is big and then there is big. Like this:

Gurl just put down the fork!

Box #3: Get Into My Car!

I've always dreamed of having some big-ass, bitchin' "coozie mobile" as we called them. You know, the big El Dorado or Olds 88 that your half-crocked, elderly uncle couldn't park to save his life? But here's a little known secret about Miss Tills: she doesn't drive. She's driven. That's right - a long, long time ago I knew that I just was not cut out to be a driver. Face it, my mentor was my mother whose favorite phrase while driving was "Asshole!" Said with a very prominent nasal "a" of course.

Do I miss not driving? Not at all - life is so much simpler, no car insurance, no car payments, no sleazy rip-off car dealers trying to sell you some piece of shit. So, I cab it or bus it or take the L here in Chicago. Of course public transportion does mean mingling with The Great Unwashed. Now, there's some stories there!

Box #4: Wildcard - Cake and Sodomy

I just can't get that image of that big 'ole heiffer outta my mind! And speaking of heiffers, and a dead and hopefully rotting one at that, there's Pat Robertson and all the other Jeebus freaks that wanna get up in all of Miss Tilly's shit - and your shit too.

Last summer, I was at the airport in New York going home to Chicago and they broadcast the news that Pat would soon be sucking Satan's dick since he had just passed. Well, let's just say that Miss Tilly couldn't surpress her enthusiasm. Of course, the five Harvey Wallbangers at the airport T.G.I. Fridays sort of helped.

Sure I got my share of stares but again, Miss Tills speaks her mind and that's that. Wouldn't you know that I got on that plane and some Jeebus freak decided to give me an earful as she walked by me in my aisle seat. Luckily for Miss Tilly, some beautiful male steward (we used to call them Sky Sluts or Air Mattresses) overheard the commotion and came to Miss Tills' rescue. I was promptly seated in First Class with all its free cocktails. As Vera said, "Spirits! I simply adore spirits!"

Box #5: I Want Your Sex

Despite Miss Tilly's forwardness and outspokedness about "the act" she was a late bloomer - 23!!! But I've made up for lost time believe me. These days, when I'm not in my drag persona, I can be found in the backroom of the Chicago Eagle wearing my Halsted Street loafers (aka knee pads). I've had plenty of practice and have the reputation of being able to suck a basketball through a garden hose. See! All those rumors you've heard about me are true!

Box #6: Wildcard - Do Right Woman, Do Right Man

As you can see I've often got a soap box, but most of us bloggin' bitches do as well. And if I can just put this out here, besides my big old 44 Long tits: nothing is sexier than a woman or man who is responsible and does the right thing. This means using the sense God gave you and making a difference in this world. If you really believe in something and feel passionately about it - go out there and do it! Register people to vote, deliver hot meals to elderly and HIV, help staff a teen runaway or suicide hotline. Just get out there and do it - don't sit and bitch about it!

Box #7: I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

Miss Tills is a clothes whore, but a clothes whore with a heart. Besides making my own ensembles, what I can't use or don't want I always donate to the Brown Elephant Store here in Chicago. Their sales go to support the great medical and mental health programs at Howard Brown.

Besides being a fan of Project Runway, anytime I get to bitch about fashion is a good time to me. Speaking of which, and bringing mental health into the picture, what the fuck is this?

I don't know what is worse, the poor child whose name must be Selma Babiesforcrack with her C-section scar, or the dress which was designed specifically to show off that shit. I don't even know where to start. If you want to see more fashion abortions, check out Ugly Dress.com.

Box #8: Wildcard - Video Killed The Radio Star

One skill in being a fierce, loud mouthed, snap queen, is knowin' your movies and your movie quotes. And I mean all the gay movies - the ones that if you don't see them you are in danger of losin' your Gay Card. Like one of my faves: The Boys In The Band.

"What I am Michael is a 32-year old, ugly, pock-marked Jew fairy . . " Lordy how many times have I said that in a movie quote snap battle!

Hell To The Noes!

2008-01-30T17:16:00.000-06:00

Crank This Soulja Boy

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Tallulah did . . .

2008-01-30T04:15:00.000-06:00

It appears that during the filming of Lifeboat, our dear Tallulah Bankhead picked up a nasty habit from Carmen Miranda: one of not wearing any panties under her dress.

Well many of the cast and set members were quite upset about this, especially as Tallulah was constantly getting in and out of that lifeboat during filming. Finally someone visiting the set went, a female reporter complained to Darryl F. Zanuck, head of the studio. Zanuck sent a man to talk to the director, Alfred Hitchcock, about the problem.

Hitchcock, who was always amused by Tallulah's antics, refused to interfere and told the man that it wasn't his department. The man asked, "Well, whose department is it?" Hitchcock mused for a moment and then said, "Makeup, or perhaps hairdressing."

Gay Bars Before Stonewall

2008-01-17T13:00:00.000-06:00

I just want to point out a quick site that I have been visiting lately. All you young'uns take note of how life used to be for us bar flies before Stonewall - it is all here at Gay Chronicles - Before Stonewall Bar Guide.

Compiled by the fabulous Len Evans you can see what bars in your city existed pre-Stonewall along with some great stories of how patrons behaved or what hardships police and politicians imposed on our brothers and sisters.

My favorite story has to do with Tallulah Bankhead, of course, and her experience at the 365 Club:

"There was a gay bar where the air line terminal used to be on Taylor Street. It had a special shaped staircase, and this lovely oval shaped bar with back to back registers. You didn't know if you were looking into a mirror or not the way it was set up. They had muzak type music, but there wasn't any juke box, they had a painting on the wall with a microphone in the corner and a slot, and you put your money into the slot and the girl would come and ask you your selection. This was a piss elegant bar. As Tellulah Bankhead said as she went in, "This is really a white collar cocsuckers bar." There was a white balustrade and red carpeting and all the queens just loved to walk down that spiral staircase. It was the cuff-link crowd."

For those of you who can open files in Microsoft Word, here is the link to the guide in document form which is much easier to read: http://www.geocities.com/gueroperro/Bars.doc

Photo: The Black Cat, a legendary gay bar from the 1950s in San Francisco.

Reno-vated!

2008-01-17T12:45:00.000-06:00

Hello my dears! Miss Tills has just gotten home from a short trip to Reno, NV this past weekend. Why Reno? Well if any of you queens are worth your salt, you know it is a big focus of the 1939 classic The Women. Starring Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford, Paulette Goddard, Joan Fontaine, Rosalind Russell and many others, to me it is the ultimate bitch movie.

As with most movies in the late 1930s and early to mid 1940s, they were very heavy with dialogue, often delivered at a fast clip. The best example is another Rosalind Russell vehicle, His Girl Friday from 1940.

So, I paid a visit to Reno. No, I did not get a divorce but I did see the Virginia Street bridge right near the courthouse where women, I've been told, would throw their wedding bands into the Truckee River to solemnize the act and start their new life. Nor did I manage to find the dude (dudette?) ranch run by Marjorie Mains.

Oh, l'amour, l'amour!

Subversive Cross-Stitch

2008-01-10T17:17:00.000-06:00

Miss Tills has been known to take up the needle now and then. Not the kind that leaves track marks you silly bitch - I leave that for Amy Winehouse.

As a big fan of the old "stitch and bitch" parties, I usually just lie on my divan, bifocals hovering on the tip of my nose waiting for some sniveling future maid to con me into working at the House of Miss Tilly. Vera Donovan's got nothin' on me!

Check out a great site called Subversive Cross-Stitch - these kits just slay me! I can't decide if I want "Don't Make Me Cut You" or "Shut Your Whore Mouth."

Drag Cats - Who Knew?

2008-01-10T17:06:00.001-06:00

Seems that you can change the look of your pussy's hair - with just a flip of a wig!
Go visit Kitty Wigs to give your's a new look!

Tallulah said . . .

2008-01-10T14:48:00.000-06:00

Tallulah Bankhead gets into an elevator. There is already a very handsome gentleman in the elevator who smiles and turns to look at her.

Already knowing her by reputation, the man speaks up and whispers to her:

"I sure could use a little p*ssy right now."

To which Tallulah replies:

"So could I, dahling. Mine's as big as my handbag."

Get Some Christie Love!

2008-01-10T14:34:00.000-06:00

Do you remember this show back in the day? I used to love me some Teresa Graves especially when she was on Laugh-In. A very funny and shockingly, take-your-breath-away beauty. She left us way too soon.

See the clips and then go visit Find A Death for more fun!

Super Trashy Cheap 'N Nasty Cnty Btchy Drag Queens

2008-01-09T08:30:00.000-06:00

I know most of you have probably seen this already, but today I can't get the damn tune out of my head!

Vote Democrack 'cause . . .

2008-01-08T00:50:00.000-06:00

I'm just sayin'.

Shitney Smears Votes

2008-01-08T00:44:00.000-06:00

Today is the New Hampshire primary. And DAMN! She's got one of the little Federspears in her huge arms - I think his name is Cheetoh or some shit like that.

Maybe she think's its a touch screen for ordering at Burger King.

When Drag Queens Attack

2008-01-08T00:26:00.000-06:00

This is from some low-rent, trashy, broke-down muthafucka of a Dirty Harry ripoff movie - and from Canada at that! (love to all my Canadian bitches!) The exact title is A Special Magnum for Tony Saitta from 1976. Miss Tills was only seven years old when this fetid turd popped out. Yeah right.

You bitches will probably think this is a dated view of drag queens (the IMDB plot for this flick says they are "transvestites") but it was typical of films in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

But they sho can throw down, can't they? I love it when my queen sistahs can open up a big 'ole can of fierce whoop-ass on a tired old dick like Stuart Masterson. And why does whoop-ass always come in a can?

The Canonical List of Drag Queen Names

2008-01-07T23:46:00.001-06:00

Okay bitches - here it is! Miss Tills has gotten so tired of looking up drag queen names on the Internet and finding the same ole tired shit. Look at this list and bow down!

If you want to add a name to this list, post it in the comments and Miss Tilly will consider your submission. You do want to submit to her, don't you?

Agnes of Gosh
Alberta Clipper
Amanda Buttfuck
Amanda Chase
Amanda Huginkiss
Amanda Peon
Amanda Playwith
Amanda Reckonwith
Amanda Stickmydickin
Amber Alert
Amber Waves
Andrea Dorea
Angie O’Plasty
Anita B. Day
Anita Bath
Anita Cocktail
Anita Dick
Anita Greencard
Anita Mann
Anita Pill
Anna Bortion
Anna Rexia
Anna Waywego
Annette Curtain
Annie Bellum
Augusta Wind
Auntie Christ
Auntie Septic
Bang Bang La Desh
Barb Dwyer
Barbra Seville
Bea FaCurtains
Bea Reasonable
Bertha D. Blues
Bertha Venation
Bess Twishes
Bessie Mae Mucho
Blanche Debris
Blanche Dividian
Bo Tocks
Bridgette of Madison County
Brooke Trout
Candy Ass
Candy Wrapper
Carlotta Stolengoods
Carmen Dioxide
Carrie Oakey
Carrie Onbag
Catherine the Above Average
Charity Case
Chenille Stems
Chris Coe
Clare Boothe Luce Change
Connie Chiwa
Connie Lingus
Connie Sewer
Crème Brulay
Crystal DeCanter
Cuntalina Fucklebitch
Deb. U. Tant
Dee Flaytable
Della Catessen
Della Ware
Delois Price
Demanda Refund
Devoida Class
Devoida Taste
Di Onacross
Dickhole Kidman
Dinah Cancer
Dinah Lone
Dinah Ponme
Dinah Thirst
Dolly Liama
Dolores del Taco
Donna Frock
Donna Matrix
Dora Jarr
Dot Com
Drunkard Channing
Dusty Chotsky
Edina Date
Eileen Dover
Emma Grate
Emma Roids
Emmy Nimms
Estee Lauder Harder Faster
Eva Destruction
Faye King
Faye Shull
Faye Slift
Fenna Mint
Formica Dinette
Frayda Cox
Frieda Fondle
Frieda Love
Gail Force
Gay Barr
Gay Wright
Gena Lola Golden Gata Bridgeda
Gina Talia
Gina Te
Ginger Snapp
Ginger Vitus
Ginny Tonic
Glenda Bender
Gloria Hole
Hedda Gobbler
Hedda Lettuce
Helen Bach
Helen Bedd
Helen Heels
Helena Handbag
Helvetica Bold
Hollee Luja
Holly Goheavily
Holly Mackerel
Honey Dijon
Hope Chest
Hope Heelcum
Hurricane Summers
Ida Claire
Ida Slapter
Iona Sextoy
Iona Trailer
Ivana B. Astar
Ivana B. Queen
Ivana Cockatoo
Ivana Kutchakockoff
Ivana Mann
Jean Pool
Jenny Tonic
Jill E. Bean
Juan Condition
Juan Nightstand
June Bugg
Karen Carpenteria
Katy Didd
Kay Puerca
Kaye Sedia
Kaye Wye
Keesha Myas
Kitten Kaboodle
Kitty Litter
Kitty Porn
Lady White Swallow
Lana Cane
LaTrina Bidet
Laverne Onions
Layona Davenport
Leah Tard
Leesa Carr
Leigh Way
Libby T. Belle
Lilly Pond
Lilly White
Lois Carmen Denominator
Madam Ovary
Mae Ewe
Mae Zola
Manuel Hung
Marianne Unfaithful
Marsha Dimes
Marsha Mellow
Mary K. Mart
May Aculpa
Mimi Mi
Ming Vase
Minnie Cooper
Minnie Pause
Miranda Rites
Miss Charmin
Miss Construe
Miss Diagnosed
Miss Inglink
Miss Taken
Misty Cologne
Molly Bolt
Mona Lott
Nan Tucket
Natalie Attired
Nequelle Anne Dyme
Nita Shag
Orna Mint
Pagan Holiday
Paige Turner
Patty O. Furniture
Pearl Diver
Pearl E. Gates
Peg Legg
Penny R. Cade
Penny Tration
Phil Aschio
Polly Esther
Polly Unsaturated
Poly Gripp
Rachel Discrimination
Rachel Tension
Rhea Listik
Rhea Range
Rhoda Lott
Rita Book
Robyn Banks
Rosie Cheeks
Rusty Hinges
Sadie Word
Sally Mander
Seliphane Rappa
Selma Babiesforcrack
Selma Eggs
Semi Sweet Charity
Shanda Lier
Sharon Husbands
Sharon Needles
Sheesa Cunt
Shirley U. Wood
Sissy Fuss
Snow White Trash
Solamente Enlacama
Sophonda Cox
Sophonda Peters
Stella Artois
Strawberry Fields
Sue Yu
Summer Clearance
Tallulah Bunkbed
Tanya Hyde
Tequila Mockingbird
Tess Tickle
Tess Tosterone
Trixie Delight
Tulip Sonya Cox
Tulita Pepsi
Uma Dickhurtz
Venus de Mile-High Lo
Venus Envy
Vinda Loos
Virginia Hamm
Visa Gold
Vivian Von Brokenhymen
Wilda Beest
Wilma Fingerfit
Winnie Baygo
Yuna Sex
Zsa Zsa Lahore